brh

10 Reasons I Hate Our Roommate’s Girlfriend:

1. She doesn’t have a job and isn’t TRYING to find a job, yet still has the audacity to whine about how busy and tired she is all the time from all the cleaning she does, which is hilarious because I constantly come home to a sink full of dishes and (her dog’s) hair all over everything because she never vacuums.

2. She lives here rent free and pays no bills, and thinks its ok to take 45 minute showers and leave every light on. Did I ever mention that Brandon paid half the rent the whole time they occupied the apartment, even when he was deployed in the Middle East? In other words, she’s been living off of my boyfriend. Not cool.

3. She bitched to Mike (only one time though because he told her she was being an asshole) that I made perogies for Brandon that she bought, and failed to also mention that I replaced it with a whole other box immediately after cooking, so instead of having a box, we now had a box and a half. Sorry. I thought since our water and electric bills tripled since she moved in, it wouldn’t be a big deal that I made, and replaced, a $1.88 box of perogies. But it’s cool for her to drink all “my” milk and eat “my” eggs, and I have a baby sucking my body dry of nutrients and she knows that all I drink is milk and all my kid lets me eat is eggs.

4. She tries like hell to make me look bad towards our friends because she’s pissed off that her boyfriend likes me more than he likes her. She doesn’t realize that we all laugh at her because she’s the one that’s made her rounds with every guy in our group of friends, while I was able to stay faithful to my boyfriend while he was gone defending our country, which our friends love me for. (and I am not praising myself for it. If you are in a relationship, whether or not it’s with a deployed soldier, you should be faithful anyway. I think it’s more along the lines of, hardly anyone is faithful anymore and they’re glad Brandon is with someone that won’t do the same thing his ex wife did to him while he was away at basic training.)

5. She interferes with my “Lost Netflix Marathon” days when I’m off work because all she does is lay on the couch and watch shit on (Brandon’s) Netflix on (Brandon’s) tv. Well, she does get up every 30 minutes or so to get something to eat. I’ll give her that.

6. She knows I’m pregnant, and let me pour a glass of orange juice, drink about half of it, and THEN say “You know thats a screwdriver, right?” after I asked Brandon if it tasted funny. No I didn’t know that a gallon of orange juice in our fridge had VODKA IN IT BECAUSE NO ONE LABELED IT KUDOS TO YOU FOR LETTING A PREGNANT PERSON DRINK ALCOHOL YOU DUMB FUCKING CUNT. DO YOU WANT MY KID TO HAVE BIRTH DEFECTS OR ARE YOU JUST THAT FUCKING STUPID? That happened last night, and I hope she thanked God for waking up this morning, because Brandon had to talk me out of smothering her in her sleep.

7. Whiny baby voice. That is all.

8. She gets mad when I bring friends over. I’m not sure if this is because she has no friends, is jealous that (and when I say this, I mean it in the most unbitchy and uncatty manner possible, but it’s true) my friends are cuter than she is, or is just one of those girls that gets really jealous when other girls are around her boyfriend.

9. Just an example. You know the Nissan Frontier commercial where the plane’s landing gear failed, so the front wheel part landed in the bed of the truck… Her comment: Yeah. Like THAT would ever happen. REALLY CAPTAIN FUCKING OBVIOUS? You don’t even know what 1776 means, therefore don’t engage in any conversation about intellect, sense, or life in general, because you fail at it. Most importantly: reproducing. MIKE PLEASE DON’T GIVE HER A CHANCE TO CARRY ON HER DUMBASS LEGACY. Oh and she has a teaching degree. Luckily, she hasn’t been able to find a job yet (though I’m sure she would if she actually tried to find one.)

10. She has clown eyebrows. Like the thin ones shaped in an upside-down U. I know you feel bad for me. Its painful to have to look at on a daily basis.